The Island

The Island...OF CRAP!!!

This review was originally written in June of 2006. I am including it partly to add bulk to my growing blog…and partly because I think it would be nice to have a bad review amongst good ones. :)

I think we can all agree that movie tastes differ. Even people who tend to like the same things will disagree from time to time. Such was the case between me and my dear friend who, for her own safety, shall remain nameless (but you know who you are). She came down for a visit and a lovely weekend full of movies and games, always a pleasure…until she pulled it out of her bag. Michael Bay’s The Island. I think the temperature actually dropped and it got darker all of a sudden when she did this, but maybe I’m just remembering wrong. What followed was a rather poignant “discussion” about why I needed to watch this movie. Ending in: “But I watched all those stupid Ben Stiller and Will Ferrell movies with you!” The weakest argument in movie history, but I relented attempting to regain my “gracious host” status.

My opinion of her movie recommendations has taken a sharp and severe dive.

Before I start in on this movie’s inadequacies, it is necessary to give credit where credit’s due. This movie did have one redeeming value. Yes, only one. Ewan McGregor looked mighty fine in that burgundy turtleneck.

Every other part of that movie has caused me numerous convulsions, both during and after. Still, in all fairness, I went into this movie with extreme bias. First, Faith (of “In My Opinion” fame) had told me that the only redeeming value was Ewan's turtle neck (check) and the spectacular fight scene that pits real-life Ewan against his cloned counterpart. Unfortunately, I was so mad by that point in the movie, the humour was hard to appreciate. Second, I saw MST3K's Parts: The CLONUS Horror (starring Peter Graves) which was the same freakin' movie AND IT WASN'T GOOD THEN EITHER!!!! Leave it to "Baynito Michaelini" to deliver yet another "solid" Movie™.

NOTE: for explanation of the above Baynito Michaelini and Movie™, please read this...bless this chick!

Finally, I really just did not want to watch it. Period. End of sentence. My friend had already extensively explained the entire plot to me. I could already tell it sucked. I didn't need visual confirmation. It would be one thing if there was no other way to get a decent Ewan-Fix...but I have Moulin Rouge. I'll be ok.

Now that I've had time to de-stress (after that 2 hours and 16 minutes of my life I'll never get back) I am thinking with a little more clarity. Let's compare, shall we, The Island with MI:2. These two Movies™ are exactly the same. They both wield the Symbolism™ Club of Pain, the I-Have-a-Message-and-you're-gonna-sit-there-until-I'm-done Chains of Bondage and the Look-How-Much-I-Can-Blow-Up-in-30-Seconds Button of Destruction. Why, then, did I praise MI:2 for it's hilarity and spit repeatedly on The Island for it's insulting incompetence? I can't say. It doesn't make sense. But it is true.

I blame Michael Bay. It must be his fault. That can be the only answer.

The one thought that begs meditation is this: Why do I even care? Why do I let a movie so obviously created for people who aren’t me, cause my poor little self so much strife and frustration? I believe it is emotional duress created by the Movie™.

In summation: Even if this movie starred ME along-side Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Colin Ferrell, Ewan McGregor and Christian Bale and involved some pretty intense "action"...I WOULD STILL NOT WANT TO SEE IT. Well, ok, maybe I'm being a bit hasty, but I think you all get my point. Michael Bay, even though I didn't spend a single red cent on this movie…I want my money back. I'm claiming "emotional duress."